If You Were Gay
by Cheycartoongirl8
Summary: Based of the Avenue Q song. Hans is trying to read a book but Clemson keeps interrupting him. Enjoy!


It was a calm morning in Hoboken. The sun loomed over the Hoboken zoo, the sun's rays shining over the puffin habitat. Hans was looking through the many books that he had, settling on one. He grabbed the book and went over to his chair and sat down, relaxed in it. He rubbed a wing over the very old yet very well put together book. He opened it.

"Ah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book 'Broadway Musicals of the 1940s.' No roommate to bother me. How could it get any better than this?" He replied to no one in general.

"Hi Hans!" His best friend, Clemson, yelled happily.

Hans sighed as the red fur lemur ran in front of him. He was smiling from ear to ear, tail wagging like a cat. Unbeknown to the puffin, his best friend had a secret crush on him.

"Hi Clemy," the puffin replied in irritation, beak in his book.

"Hey Hans, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning. This guy was smiling at me and talking to me,"

"That's very interesting." Hans said sarcastically rolling his eyes.

"He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me. I think he might've thought I was gay!"

"Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?" The puffin stated defensively and quickly.

"Oh… you don't have to get all defensive about it Hans," Clemson began sounding apologetic.

"I'M NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE!" Hans yelled angrily glaring and as an afterthought adding, "What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I'm trying to read."

"Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Hans. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about." Clemson said still smiling.

"I don't want to talk about it." Hans said trying to end the conversation and get back to his book. "Clemson, this conversation is over!"

"Yeah, but…" Clemson said still wanting to talk about it

"OVER!" Hans yelled, hushing Clemson for a moment.

"Well, okay but just so you know-." Cody said after a few minutes.

Suddenly he began singing loudly. Hans couldn't help but squawk.

"If you were gay that'd be okay. I mean cause', hey, I'd like you anyway. Because you see if it were me, I would feel free to say that I was gay!" Clemson sang pausing and adding, "_But I'm not gay_!"

"Clemson please! I'm trying to read!" Hans interjected angrily.

He looked at his book, reading a bit longer. He felt someone's eyes on him and looked to see Clemson stare at him for a few minutes before giving in and asking, "What!"

"If you were queer…" Clemson began to sing again throwing his hands up dramatically.

"AH, CLEMSON!" Hans yelled trying to get his red fur best friend to shut up.

"I'd still be here!" Clemson continued to sing starting to do a dance that would've looked normal if there'd been some music.

"Clemson, I'm trying to read this book!" Hans yelled holding up the book keeping his wing in the page.

"Year after year!" Clemson trampled on standing on the couch and doing a little dance.

"Clemson!" Hans yelled getting up and trying to get Clemson off of the couch.

"Because, you're dear to me!" Clemson sang dramatically placing his hands over his heart.

"Argh!" Hans screamed burrowing his head into his wings.

He walked over to his chair, only to have Clemson follow him. The red lemur was grinning as he bounced after his best friend.

"AND I KNOW THAT YOU," Clemson chirped happily.

"What?" Hans asked raising an brow.

"WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO!" Clemson continued hopping onto a desk next to the couch.

"I would?" Hans replied looking truly confused.

"If I told you today, 'Hey guess what? I'm gay!' But I'm not gay!" Clemson yelled starting up an Irish jig and almost falling off the desk, "I'm happy just being with you…"

"High Button Shoes, Pal Joey," Hans muttered getting back into his book and reading some of the plays.

"So what should it matter to me, what you do in bed with guys?" Clemson screamed hopping off the desk and landing in front of Hans.

Hans swore that everyone in Hoboken can hear.

"Clemson, That's GROSS!" Hans yelled backing up.

"No it's not," Clemson commented, "If you were gay, I'd shout 'Hooray!'"

"I'm not listening!" Hans screamed covering his earholes.

"And here I'd stay!" Clemson sang doing some jazz hands.

"La la la la la!" Hans said covering his ears and rocking back and forth in a semi fetal position.

"But I wouldn't get in your way!" Clemson continued moving forward some more.

"Aaaah!" Hans screamed crawling under the same couch Clemson had been standing on before.

"You can count on me to always be beside you, everyday. To tell you it's okay! You were just born that way!" Clemson sang getting down on all fours and sticking his head under the bed, 'And as they say, it's in your DNA, You're Gay!"

"But I'm not gay!" Hans replied pushing Clemson out of the way and standing up.

"If you were gay." Clemson corrected smiling.

"Argh!" Hans screamed stomping out of the door angrily leaving his book behind.

"Did I say something wrong?" Clemson said to himself scratching the back of his head, "Yeah…I hope he gets the message one day,"

He smirked to himself, hoping that his secret crush got the message and scurried out of the puffin habitat.


End file.
